What is right and what is wrong when it comes to fetish and BDSM? The question “Did we do everything right?” recently posed to me in this connection was on my mind for quite some time. Can there be a clear answer to that? “As long as we enjoyed it, everything was right” was my first impulsive reaction. Who determines what is right and wrong in sex? In my opinion, everything that is illegal, i.e. that violates the law, is wrong. What does not happen with mutual consent is also wrong for me. Especially with BDSM, mutual agreement is elementary. When everything is clear, the practices are enjoyable and based on mutual respect, there is neither right nor wrong in my opinion. Over time, I was able to find this truth for myself.
Especially when I was young and inexperienced, I often asked myself whether I was doing everything right: Does the fetish gear fit, do I behave correctly during sex, before and after? I can remember one of my first visits to a fetish bar all too well. I had dressed up as best as possible and for the first time dared to wear leather jeans, boots, leather shirt, waistcoat, tie and gloves in public. It felt right and good to me. The evening also went very well until the moment when this leather guy, whom I had admired and observed for some time, stood next to me on the toilet and complimented me for my outfit. “Except for the boots, they don’t go with it at all. You don’t have any Wescos?” He ended the conversation and left me confused. My self-esteem sank to a minimum within a very short time and, disappointed, I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the evening. Shortly before, I had bought myself knee-high black riding boots. Apparently, the wrong choice when it came to this handsome leather guy. I asked myself whether there are any regulations stating what a leather guy must wear or which boots go with which outfit, and who is the leather fashion guru who determines all these regulations. I bought new boots for a lot of money – no Wescos, I don’t own them to this day – and didn’t feel comfortable in the other boots until I finally sold them. The more fetish events I attended, the more I learned that anything goes. It is right that you feel comfortable in your outfit, do not disguise yourself and do not drown in the monotony of dull fetish gear.
Often you have too high expectations on yourself and others. After all, you expect the perfect date, the ideal session, the hottest night. Too often we let ourselves be seduced and blinded by social media or porn. They falsely convey the claim to rightness. Harder BDSM carries risks that can be harmful to health. Practices that are indeed misused can end badly. Therefore, it makes sense to slowly and relaxed approach such play instead of acting according to a porn script set in your head and disregarding the security aspect. All the better when you are led by an experienced person and knowledge can be passed on so that you can do everything “right” next time. And if something goes wrong, it doesn’t matter. During sex, you can also laugh at times. Whether it is right that BDSM is a variety of sex or the entire life of a relationship is based on it, whether there is blood involved or which uniforms and accessories are used, only the partners involved can decide for themselves and neither may nor can be judged by outsiders. That’s what individual limits and safewords are for. To think desperately about the question of how the Dom or the sub should behave the right way may take away the spontaneity and can result in preventing fun and the satisfaction of needs.
I know a similar weighing of right and wrong when it comes to addressing someone, be it in a bar or at an event. Is it right if I speak to that person now? Does he/she even want to be spoken to and what can I do wrong? I recently got a message from a sexy like-minded guy on BLUF: “Always wanted to say hello to you Thorsten, especially when I saw you in Berlin last September. I generally refrain from saying hello to save embarrassment, I guess. I used to try, but with a lot of could shoulders I ended up giving up.” I sometimes feel this way myself, and every now and then I catch myself being shy. Our life teaches us every day anew to be intuitive and to pay less attention to the right and wrong or any moral society values than to listen to ourselves: Does it feel good or do I feel uncomfortable. For fear of doing the wrong thing, many do nothing. And that is exactly the wrong thing to do.
Eventually, it is the sum of experiences that embraces our own view of the world and defines our values. Not only in our everyday life, but also in our sex life. What is right and wrong for us is an idea in our own heads, not objectively provable and not time independent. The main thing is that what we do is enjoyable and indulging, does not harm anyone and that we are always aware of the consequences of our actions.
Thorsten, you raised a lot of interesting topics in your blog…. I believe “to thine own self be true”. Wear what you feel comfortable or sexy wearing regardless of what others may say. We must also develop thick skin and not be bothered by what others say. One leather guy once made a similar remark about me not wearing a certain style of boots—my response to him was thank you but fuck off.
As far as fetish play is concerned, I have always preferred to meet a prospective play partner before a session to discuss limits, experience, expectations without designing a script or scenario. The best play is spontaneous. As we gain more experience, it becomes much easier and natural to execute a scene.
For more serious s&m like singletail whipping, more controls, consent and assessments are needed to be certain that the submissive has no serious health issues, is alert and has not been drinking alcohol which can numb the senses or using a controlled substance. Also the mental stability of the submissive must be evaluated to avoid medical, legal or police involvement.
There’s a lot to consider but it is always best to be safe than sorry later. 😘