Self-doubts are human and accompany us through everyday life. To the right extent, they are useful for adjusting our self-image. However, when self-doubt gets out of control, it can make our lives difficult. During Folsom weekend in Berlin, I had a very personal conversation with someone who had doubts about belonging to this fetish event and community. He feels like not having the right outfit, the right boots, not being at eye-level with others and he doesn’t feel up to the big picture.
He’s not alone in that. An Instagram story on my feed recently was: „Does anyone feel as if they don’t fit into the fetish landscape sometimes? I don’t know why I am feeling this way. It may have to do with seeing so much Folsom content recently. I just have this overwhelming feeling that during events or socials I’m not liked or even viewed as the oddball or loner on the kink scene. Sometimes I feel like an outsider looking in rather than being part of the fetish scene.” I can relate to these feelings, especially at such a big fetish event as the Folsom Street Fair in Berlin and the sensory overload of leather guys, rubber men, puppies, and every conceivable fetish preference. On the Fuggerstraße, where the street fair takes place, you can easily get lost in the crowds and it’s quite possible that one or the other doesn’t feel like they belong. But belonging to what or to whom? Be your own kind of beauty. Beauty and belonging has nothing to do with looks in the first place. Maybe that counts when it comes to attracting attention. Subsequently, however, it is much more important how you are as a person and how you deal with others. Also, actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately, for so many, image becomes the sole part of their development. After all, image is the easy part of fetish and BDSM. What is much harder to develop are those uncompromising norms of expertise, self-awareness, empathy, trust – all things that go into a set of ethical principles of behavior in both, the interpersonal level and BDSM.
Events like Folsom also show the colorful diversity of our fetish community, in which everyone can and is allowed to be as they are. And if you don’t find like-minded people here, where else? Understandably, it is not easy to find the courage to be different. But the fear of being the same as everyone else should outweigh the fear of being different. Fear begins in the mind, and so does courage! In the Folsom masses, even if you feel like a loner, it is relatively easy to immerse yourself in the fetish world, to get a first breath of the atmosphere and to form your own opinion. And it’s just as easy to start a conversation there. Because if one has character, respect, and decency, they will be happy about a hello and a conversation. A strength of our community is inclusion. How boring would the fetish scene be if it consisted only of hard-muscled Langlitz lads, or lean rubber guys, or playful boys in puppy masks. Isn’t every one of us an oddball who, through his uniqueness, makes up an important part of the overall picture?
Another conversation I overheard was about “another level of fetish”. Up until that point, I didn’t know there were different levels in our community, and I don’t really believe in their existence either. Of course, there are those who dress up in extroverted finesse to be the focal point of a wannabe universe’s sealed-off fetish mini-galaxy in dimly lit bars. But our fetish life is rather a journey than a competition. Instead of reaching new “levels”, it is more valuable to have new experiences and to enjoy exciting adventures. And we don’t necessarily have to like every stop on the journey. We should take the opportunity we are given to get off and enjoy the stay. If we don’t like it, we can always get back on, continue our journey to the next station and get motivated to explore. Life and our journey are too short to be unhappy, while happiness may be just one stop away…